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Feb. 13th, 2007 @ 09:22 am (no subject)
Feeling sooooo much better. Micah is arguing a lot. This morning I accused him of arguing when he wasn't. So he told me a little later that I was mistaken. I told Micah the story of Fred. It goes like this:
There was once this kid named Fred in Micah's class. Everytime he walked passed Micah's desk, Fred stole a pencil or a pen or crayon or something else from Micah's desk. Micah told Fred to stop stealing from him and he told the teacher. Everytime Fred walked by Micah's desk, Micah would say,"Fred stop stealing from me! Get away from my desk!" Still Fred would sneak and steal. Then a little later, Fred walked by Micah's desk without stealing. And Micah said, "Fred what did you take from my desk!?!" And Fred said, "I didn't take anything!" And Micah said, "Yes you did! What did you take!?!" Fred was sad because he didn't take anything and he kept insisting he didn't steal anything. After several months Fred kept walking by Micah's desk and not stealing anything. Finally, Fred could walk by Micah's desk without Micah saying, "Fred what are you stealing from me?"
So after I told this story, I told Micah that I was sorry that he was accused with arguing but that he argues so much that sometimes I assume he is arguing when he isn't. But that if he stopped arguing for awhile, I would probally stop accusing him. Micah smiled really big. I love telling stories. Being a mom is sometimes fun.
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Feb. 1st, 2007 @ 12:58 pm (no subject)
I had to quit my part time job. It was just way too much. 6 or 8 hours a week doesn't sound like much, but it is. Feel relieved that I got the quitting done. I will work on saturday and then be done with that. I need to be around for the kids on weekends. It is so freaken cold outside.
The training here sucks. And we have been without a team lead, he begins on Monday, and so it even more sucks. Which has been okay when I didn't have anything to do, but now I have some cases and I don't know what I am supposed to do. Oh well. I am not stressing about it. I'm okay saying I don't know. I know I catch on quick. But I don't like being in that no clue spot.
I have nothing going on for the next 2 evenings. Yes. I need a break. The kids need a break.
I am going to make something especially yummy for dinner. I like being able to make dinner for the kids. I wish they were more appreciative. I'd like someday to make yummy things someone who is appreciative.
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Oct. 14th, 2006 @ 03:24 pm (no subject)
I think I may be happy. I am feeling happy. I haven't felt this peaceful kind of happiness since David and I broke up. It's kind of nice. Sometimes, I think, I am doomed to be single for the rest of my life. Who is going to intrested in a girl with 3 kids (no matter how hot she is :)? Then I kind of think, so what? It's not so bad. Me and my three kids. I am glad for this opportunity to get okay with my family being me and my three kids. So that if someone does come along, it's not me needing to fix my family. It's me just changing it. This is important to me for some reason.
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Oct. 4th, 2006 @ 10:25 am I know I need this space
I'm at work. An e-mail from Bud sent me into tears. Not so much the e-mail, but my response. Or maybe both, really. It still feels like I am on one planet and he is on another and that he feels the same way. A part of me wants to meet somewhere in space and sit down and talk about what happened and because we are no longer on our planets we would be able to understand each other and understand what happened and the feelings that are bad within us could be resolved and the confusion that I still feel could be gone and we could go on. I would be real. He would be real. I would cry and maybe in my understanding I could feel closer to feeling like someone could love me and feel closer to feeling that I could trust someone with my love and feel closer to feeling like I am capable of choosing a good man. Maybe in my understanding the pain that still feels so fresh sometimes could not ache so much.
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Oct. 4th, 2006 @ 08:16 am busy like a bee on speed
My padres are in California for 3 weeks. AAAGGGGHHHH. I feel even more hectic with them gone. Micah is in Cubscouts now. Another thing to do. We are going to therapy once a week. Another thing to do. Only one more week of my parenting class. Yeah. It has been wonderful. I have learned so much. And been encouraged because a lot of stuff I was already doing well. Micah wants to do the community center basketball. Another thing. This lady in my class has kind of just adopted me to pray for me. She just said I had been on her mind and she has been praying for me and she asks me how I am doing and reminds me that she is praying for me. It's very wonderful. Jen, my agnostic/budhist friend told me that she respects my beliefs even though she is always giving me hard time. God is doing something in this girl's head. This minister, Floyd, that I work with is an awesome guy. Floyd and I have been influencing Jen. Nothing on purpose. We have just been ourselves and God has been using us. Jen now almost bragged about Jesus being a hippy because I had told her some stuff that impressed me about Jesus and how based on that how I thought Jesus would be acting in the world today if he was a person on earth now. Anyway, cool stuff. I wonder what God will do with me next? Micah told me that school is boring because they keep learning the same stuff over and over. He then went on to say that I take him to cool new places and he gets to have new fun and kind of was saying that I am a joy to his life (I had just told him why he was a joy to me.) Talk about feeling like gold. I want to get married and have another baby someday. I love being a mom. It is the best ever. I also want to have that connection with a man who will be there and love me forever. Sometimes I get kind of sad thinking that it probally won't happen. Maybe, I will get remarried but it will probally be when I am too old to have kids. Then I try to tell myself how I am already blessed with three kids and I shouldn't feel sad, but I still feel sad anyway (at least a little bit still sad.)
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Oct. 3rd, 2006 @ 12:10 pm (no subject)
Just Goes to show I can't be put in any box
Your Political Profile:
Overall: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal
Social Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal
Personal Responsibility: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal
Fiscal Issues: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal
Ethics: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal
Defense and Crime: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal
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Oct. 2nd, 2006 @ 03:40 pm (no subject)
I have been sick. I have a cold. I feel uh. My kids are great. Maybe, I'm getting a little thick. I wish I had something. I'm not sure what. That's why I feel uh. I talked to David today. He is taking me to lunch on Thursday because I picked up his dogs from the daycare and took them to his house on last Thursday. It feels like I want to talk to him longer and tell him things, but I feel self consciouness and I can't say some things and I want him to tell me things that he can't say and I wish he would want me and love me and why does that matter and I know how good he can be and that he does miss me and on some level probally pretty deep cares about me someday do you think someone will go all out to be with me wouldn't it be lovely to surrender to a man and have him surrender to me all the walls all the facades all the bullshit gone and just me and him face to face for real for once.
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Sep. 27th, 2006 @ 08:26 am (no subject)
Every hand is a winner
and every hand is a loser

It's all how you play the game

I can't control the hand I have been given. I can control how I play.

Money is beyond tight. I can't control not being sent child support. I must tighten the belt. I am glad I have a lot of fun cheaply. I wish I could buy my kids more clothes. I wish I could buy myself more clothes. I wish I could buy more fruits and vegetable, but they are more expensive than cheap stuff. Okay, I got that out. Now I can be done with that.

Every night, I still thank God with my kids for being rich.
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Sep. 26th, 2006 @ 02:18 pm (no subject)
Today is Beautiful. I feel like God loves me. I don't know why today I feel that God loves me and some other days I feel unloved. I wish I could work 3 days a week and do stuff like volunteer in my kids' classroom and make homeade spaghetti sauce with my dad's garden tomatoes. I feel like I got to be a stay at home for five years and I didn't fully appreciate it and now I get to work and I am still not fully appreciating that. Anyway, it is the human condition.
David is an amazing man in so many ways. I thought about how God never takes something away from me without giving me even more (this has been my experience.) I began to get excited about what kind of man God could have in store for me.
A man like David plus neat.
A man like David plus settled in a career.
And then I thought I would be estatic to have:
A man like David plus wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
I have a promising future.
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Sep. 22nd, 2006 @ 03:50 pm (no subject)
I have an appointment with a play therapist at 11:30 on Monday. She sounds like a nice grandmother on the phone. She came highly recommended by my professor. I am praying that it all works out with insurance and payments and times and most importantly Micah and Ben having an opportunity to work through everything that has happened in the last couple years. I decided to put Ben in half day Kindergarten. I think that will help because I think he is getting tired. He took a long nap yesterday and seemed way more energetic this morning. He did good today at school. I was on pins and needles all day. Please keep us in your prayers.
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